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Writing Pieces

things i won’t do ever again after the pandemic is finally done and hell has frozen over.

By May 1, 20206 Comments

wipe my dog down with hand sanitizer after someone pets her

participate willingly in a zoom dance party

be on a recipe chain letter for my favorite quarantine dishes

cut my bangs with a kitchen scissor

turn down the foot file when offered after a pedicure

check the gruesome death toll in New York City every morning

write about being a shut-in

run out of q-tips

convince myself that if I let my hair air dry and wear no makeup, that I am doing something healthy for myself

wear camo sweatpants

watch “Ground Hog Day”, “Pandemic”, or “The Walking Dead”

wash broccoli in Palmolive dish soap

scrub down the outside of delivery boxes and bags.  twice.

forget to wash my hands without doing the inside of my thumbs

take daily shots of airborne, emergency and grapefruit juice

look out the window.  ruefully.

forget that if I don’t wear earrings for two months, my holes will close up

clean the toilet without that blue stuff

wait for a shipment from the puzzle factory

order generic groceries for two weeks at a time.  and cook three meals a day with them

play any board games whatsoever with my husband

melt zinc pills on my tongue as a preventative

drink elderberry elixir for god knows what reason

ignore anything Andrew Cuomo says. ever.

imagine a wild monkey, sordid affair with sanjay gupta

not know the differernce  between state and national government rights

dress like a slob because no one will see me and my husband will relate

ever vote for a red governor.  or red anything.

wear a N-95 mask while hiking

wash and wear my cotton blouses justifying that they’re wrinkled but clean

take a shot of Lysol

acknowledge Donald Trump as our president

wear latex gloves in the post office

and finally….


say longingly…. ”if only I had time,  I’d get this done”.

Mary Mott what I wont do

Join the discussion 6 Comments

  • Anita McCann says:

    The best! Just the best! But, an affair with Gupta will still not be off the table with me!

  • Gypsy Snider says:

    I hear you. I miss you.

  • Suzanne Mayer says:

    I got a real kick out of your last two pieces. I am not a writer which is evident in my life since I don’t communicate either…so thank you for these two delightful and funny pieces! Keep safe and healthy and please keep writing.

  • Connie Price says:

    I am so happy to connect with you this way. You say it just right.

  • Carol says:

    Mary, Your writing is always so heartfelt, funny, poignant – all at the same time. You have such a gift. Thanks for sharing it with us!
    Miss you and can’t wait to see you soon. xxoo Carol

  • Jackie Flanigan says:

    thank you for bringing laughter into my morning coffee, “take a shot of lysol”
    you have such a gift, you are such a gift.

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