I think I have writer’s block. I can’t think of anything to say.
I mean obviously there’s a lot to say. The world is being stalked by a killer virus and I’m on the scary, vulnerable, “you’re next” list. We have a nincompoop for a president. The West Coast keeps burning. There are zero jobs. Black people continue getting shot for no reason whatsoever. White supremacists are teed up to take to the streets on Election Day.
So there’s a lot to say. But it’s all been such an onslaught that my synapses are blown. I can’t think anymore.
It doesn’t even make sense to brush my teeth.
My routines…those things that keep me grounded… are history.
I don’t know what to wear.
Do I wear exercise clothes when I get up in the morning? In hopes of actually doing something? To appear agile? Or do I grab the jeans I left next to the bed. Throw on a flannel shirt and call it a day? That’s at least a little more realistic. I don’t do anything.
It doesn’t seem right to get dressed up. It’s inappropriate. It’s not a dressed up time.
Case in point. I went to dinner Friday night in jeans, sweatshirt, sneakers and puffy. To a lovely, quaint Italian restaurant. A restaurant you’d normally shower for. We were sitting outside. It was fifty-seven degrees. My friend wore a stylish navy coat, earrings and a cashmere wrap. She said she couldn’t stand sweats anymore. She paid the price. She froze.
Unlike my friend, I haven’t put on earrings since this whole thing began. It just seems wrong. Gilding the lily.
Or makeup. Who can tell with the mask on. A little mascara…maybe. But my bangs are crazy long because I don’t want to go to the hairdresser. So no one sees my eyes anyway.
I do have to say one thing in favor of masks. I look younger. A lot younger. The mask covers the neck waddle thing I’ve started to get. And eliminates any consideration of stuff like Botox. So, vaccine or not, I’m wearing a mask for the foreseeable future. Just makes sense.
Back to my day. The basis for my writer’s block.
My day hangs on the promise of dinner. And Netflix.
It’s not a time to eat healthy. You want something to truly look forward to. A treat you can mentally savor all day. Maybe even cook all day. Ahhhh. The aroma wafting through the house. Like Ina Garten’s chicken soup. Splashed over mini bowtie pasta before serving.
Now that’s a dish you can mentally savor all day.
Arugula and minced radish? Not so much.
And, these times require a TV show to look forward to. Maybe on Netflix. Hulu. A show you can brag about. Share with friends. Your show. You want a series with at least five seasons. A lot of action. Maybe foreign.
I’ve tried them all. British baking shows, shows about drug cartels, subtitled shows, war shows. And now I’m into one about time travel. And sex. A lot of sex.
And that’s how I spend my time.
As you can tell, I’ve really lost myself to the tedium of the everyday. The sameness.
I seem to have put myself on mute.
No wonder I have writer’s block.
Join the discussion 5 Comments
Mary, Always good to read your thoughts. I am really homesick for the past and all my friends that I haven’t seen for ages. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving!
blocked no more! beautiful xoxoxox
Mary, once again, you’ve put a jumble of words together into a perfect design. I haven’t considered post-Covid mask. Could it be a fashionably permanent look? Have you watched “The Queen’s Gambit?” Excellent! Love you to pieces….
Thanks for your thoughts. Familiar sounding ones — Our collective lives have become so similar. How to spend the days while we creep slowly toward that alleged light at the end of the viral tunnel? As if it wasn’t a problem pre-Covid, now the importance of what to eat for dinner and what to watch during the evening dwarfs all else. The solution to your wardrobe quandary is simple – daytime pajamas and night-time pajamas.
Along with my sock drawer, I now also have a nice mask drawer – we’ve got the lightweight light blue paper ones in the kitchen (I have an entire case in the pantry) for Suky, me and our manager Christine at breakfast time — we need hundreds because each of us runs through about 10 each morning – you throw them on the counter and no one knows which one is his or hers any more; then there are the Under Armours, the Tommy Bahamas, the Tommy Johns – silky and stylish, but are they as effective? And finally the KN95’s — N95’s that aren’t medical grade – white, unattractive, but very snug-fitting and most effective of all – except
for those precious N95’s (without the K) that the hospitals have and that we can’t get.
I go up to the new house frequently and work for hours on the strip of land that separates the lawn from Under Mountain Road – clipping vines at the ground and ripping them out of trees, cutting down scrawny trees that are crowding healthy ones, tearing tall weedy plants, pruning shrubs, picking up hundreds of sticks and branches that have been there for years, cutting up the little felled trees with a chainsaw so that they can fit into a truck bed – and after several hours of hard work I step back across the road for the big perspective, and I can’t see a bit of difference. At least it’s therapeutic.
We have a Peloton. Suky uses it regularly, me not so much. She got me special Peloton shoes with clips on the bottom, but in order to clip into the pedals, I have to exert so much force that I risk spraining my ankle. So I use sneakers, and I listen to my gym playlist for inspiration – but I far prefer the gym, where I won’t go for now – and I hate all bicycle seats, period. With dinner being the big deal of the day, I’ve built myself a nice layer of winter waistline which now needs to be reckoned with, because I refuse to go from L to XL sweatpants.
Series recommendations – most of which we’ve all seen, but if you haven’t, you should :
“Industry” – HBO (better HBO Max so you can see it with subtitles)
“The Crown”, of course.
“Euphoria” – (graphic, gritty)
“Bosch” – give it a chance – 6 years’ worth.
“Succession” — (mandatory)
“My Brilliant Friend” (outstanding)
“Normal People” (really outstanding)
“The Newsroom” (A little known 1-season treasure –Aaron Sorkin)
From the past, just in case you missed:
“House of Cards”
Stay sanitized, hydrated, moisturized, masked and distanced –
Hugs to you both –
your total transparency is what gives me hope and faith that I am not alone with these feelings of self-doubt. I might dig out a pair of earrings today.oxoxoxo