Invisible

Somehow along the way I’ve lost myself.  

I don’t work full time, so it’s up to me to manage myself. 

It hasn’t been going well.

I’ve lost myself in the world of my computer.  A world outside of me. 

I check on friends.  I check on Donald. I think about what my husband and I should do socially.  I shop.  I peruse.

I feel that if I don’t keep up I will become invisible.  If I don’t keep up with friendships they will fade away.  If I don’t follow popular culture I’ll be obsolete.   If I don’t entertain, I won’t be entertained.

But I realize, that in being a participating part of the world of the internet, I’ve lost my world.  Mary’s world.

What’s in that world? That world that has nothing to do with other people or places or things?  That world that’s separate.  That is only about me.

That’s the world that fills me up.  That I need to feed my soul. If I don’t have that world….the world of me…I’ll be deplete.  Won’t have anything to give to the world at large.

Then why am I afraid to take time for that world?  To do things I love?  That no one knows about? 

Why do I become an adjunct to my computer so I can be visible? Why am I afraid to sign out and sit in my store?  Where no one comes in?

I’m not sure, but I’m bored out here.  Waiting for you to notice me.

So I’m going back inside.  I hope I don’t fade into oblivion.  But if I do, at least I’ll have me.